Confessions of a Confuzed Paladin

Entry: Merlai: Dreams

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:51:50 GMT

Sooooo… One of those weird creepy dreams again. And again it was so clear and vivid at the time of dreaming yet turned all foggy and blurry as soon as I woke up.

There are a few things I still can remember however.

There were underground cells. Cells under Silvermoon. I’m in one of those cells. Restrained. I’m not alone either. There were people there. Like me. Again, not sure what that means, but I know there was something in common - some likeliness between all of us, besides being restrained that is. And that seems to be important for some reason too.

And also there were dark figures, not like all of us however, not restrained either. They were saying something and I’m sure I could hear and understand each their word at the time of the dream, but as always, I can’t remember a single word right now.

And the next and final clear memory from this dream is pain. Horrible agonizing pain… And the feeling of loss, which at the time seemed to be much more awful than the pain even…

But now I can not understand anything, it’s all like a thousand tiny shards of a big broken picture. But the picture is so badly shattered and so many pieces are still missing…

Something tells me it is NOT just a weird creepy dream. There is… must be something more to it.

And the voice is calling stronger. He says he knows the answers, he says he will tell me the truth…

He? How do I even know it is he? I’m so scared and confused. What if I’m going crazy? What if I need help? Whom do I turn to?

Merlai

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:22:15 GMT

He loves me! He loves me! Sir Ojore, Ojo! He loves me too! I’m so happy that I think I can actually fly! Well, not really but I do feel all fluttery and light and HAPPY inside!

And you know what also? Even though the better half of those things Miss Juni told me sound weird and gross, I think I’d do them just for him.

*The rest of the page is covered in scribbles of hearts and Ojore’s name.*

Merlai

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:20:35 GMT

*Her handwriting is quite sloppy and shaky on this page. Her hand was obviously not as cooperative as it usually is.*

Maaan, that was some beating!

They say I spent a few days unconscious, and then some weeks unable to move and needing to be fed from a spoon. My memory is still foggy in parts. I do remember a nice Tauren lady feeding me and tending to my wounds, but not much more. I also remember the Ogre. Seriously, things THAT big should NOT be able to sneak up on you THAT quietly. Damn, my head still hurts, and hums like a thousand huge bells whenever I do a sudden move or sit up too fast.

There’s also something very disturbing happening - names and faces of people that I ~~am su~~~ was sure I never met or knew before are coming up randomly. They’re far too real, far too vivid to be an illusion, some I’m sure I even know what their voices sound like. Oh, this is so creepy. What’s going on?

I didn’t get hit TOO hard on my head, did I?

Merlai

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 17:43:23 GMT

- Bite, lick, kiss, claw, pat.

- Ears, neck, shoulders, chest, thighs. Anywhere where the skin is softer, it is also more sensitive.

Uhh, wait, do I do everything together or just pick one thing at a time? Will have to ask next time. I’m so excited! Lady Juniandi promised to teach me how to make Ojore very happy.

Also, I came back home, aaand, they were not even looking for me. They thought I was just away on some mission or training. Which is good I suppose.

Kalaith gave me a funny look. She looked at me, and then her eyes traveled down to my hips then up to my face again and she leered, real strange-like, and arched her brow. Then she said “Iiiiinterestiiiiiing” and sauntered towards Arayen’s room, looking at me over her shoulder a couple more times and grinning. She gives me creeps.

Also, lady Juniandi kissed me. I mean for real. And I don’t know how to react to THAT. I mean aren’t women only supposed to kiss men? I’m soooo confused.

Merlai

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:37:07 GMT

*A new diary is now placed in her backpack with all the single written all over pieces of paper smoothed out and folded between the book’s pages.*

Well, it looks like I’m done here. And it’s probably time to move somewhere else before the Raventusks refuse to give me food due to me not doing anything here anymore. It’s a shame though, the place is really pretty. The sunsets are magnificent here.

I wonder if it’s safe to return home yet, or if I should return at all. I do miss Uncle and Arayen, I wonder if they miss me. ~~Probably not~~

Also, I’m such a coward. I wanted to wtrite to Sir Ojore for a long time now, but for some reason I’m afraid to do so. Why? I just need to sit down and write. What do I write? What do I say? That I miss him? ~~That doesn’t sound like something a true lady would sa~~ It’s not like I’m a true lady anyway. I’ll write.

Merlai

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:51:13 GMT

*Another piece of paper is crammed up along with the other things in her backpack.*

Oh, this is not good. Not good at all. Am I going to feel funny around every troll man now? Well, it’s more so around the ones with big tusks and mohawks, but stiiiiil.

On a different note, Hinterlands are preeeeeeety! Its very dangerous however, and its easy to get lost there. I’m glad I met Kombe when I did, he knew the road better than I and thankfully we arived before dark. We even managed to do some jobs that were offered around there. It’s very nice to fight alongside with someone. My lapses in training are not so obvious and painful that way.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to fight alongside with Sir Ojore? I’d like that very much.

I hope I could see him again once I’m done here in Hinterlands. I miss him. ~~And the things he’s been doing to me that night.~~ Must not be thinking about that HERE. It’s very distracting. And embarrassing, since I start blushing, seemingly without any reason, and people go “Huh?”.

Kombe is very interesting and fun to be around. I like him. Nooooot the way I like Sir Ojore though. I think he thinks otherwise though. Nyah! Sitr Ojore is taller, and stronger and much more handsome, and… well, there are many more reasons why I like sir Ojore more.

I NEEEED to find a new book to write in, these paper scraps tend to run out of space waaaaay too fast.

Merlai

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 18:32:31 GMT

(( Warning! Wall of text full of suggestive concepts! ))

*Two wrinkled, smudged and written all over rag-tag pages are stuffed into her backpack. Proper formatting, grammar and topic transitioning were definitely the last things on her mind.*

I do regret burning my entire diary. I should’ve just removed the pages I was cautious about and left the rest be. I’ve underestimated my addiction to writing, my addiction to sharing my thoughts and emotions with someone else, even if it’s just a lifeless piece of paper. And there’s so much going on in my head right now! So much I don’t even know where to begin.

I ran away from home. With sir Ojore. He took me to the Orc city and helped me find a small house there. Its reeeally small, and it doesn’t even have a bed, only a skin of some strange creature on the floor but it’ll do, I slept in worse places. Augh, and who cares about the house? No, no, it’s not the house its I told sir Ojore everything, and he said it was not my fault, he said I have nothing to fear, and I think he really meant it and then he kissed me *A few ink-blots mark this place.* Really kissed me, not on the cheek, he kissed me on the lips, for a long, long time, and I thought I was going to die because it felt so good! And then he told me I have to trust him, and I did. I do. Because he never lied, never tricked and because it felt so good when he started touching me again. I was very embarrassed about him seeing me without clothing, but I just knew I had to trust him on this. The things he did to me *A few more ink-blots sit here.* I don’t know how to explain it, but I didn’t want him to ever stop, I couldn’t get enough of it, just… just like I asked him for more, begged him to teach me everything. That’s when it hurt. A lot. Like a knife. I almost pushed him away. I’m glad I didn’t though. He told me the pain will pass and I’ll feel good again and I trusted, again, because he never broke his promises, because he always said only the truth, and he didn’t lie this time either.
He stayed with me for the night, let me snuggle up and curl against him. By the Sun he is soooo warm and big, and I felt so-so safe for the first tome in weeks! I couldn’t sleep though, for a few long hours I could not force myself to sleep beside him, my heart was pounding so hard that I was afraid it’ll wake him up as well. And I couldn’t stop kissing him and patting his face ant tusks, and kissing him again. Veeery carefully though, I did not want to wake him up. And then even as I fell asleep finally I still kept on waking up from time to time to make sure it was not just a dream, and it wasn’t, Ojore was still there, right beside me and it made me feel so unexplainably happy that I almost cried each time.

Why do I feel so strange, why does it make me so happy? Is it… is this what being in love feels like? Do I? I I think I do. I love him. Much more than just a friend.

I probably should ask around the city and maybe find something to do. I’ll need money and food, and those don’t fall from the sky. And a new book to write in also.

*And it finally stops, but most likely only due to the fact that she ran out of space on both paper scraps.*

(( And a clingy, obsessive monster was born… ))

Merlai

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 00:12:13 GMT

Yet another nightmare today, first I saw her, she was staring at me the entire time as… as the Wretched did what they did, she was whispering, and pointing her finger, I could not hear what she was saying however, which, for some reason only makes it all so much more creepy.

And then there were guards. In my room. Searching, looking for someth

Oh, no! I must destroy this! Can’t risk keeping this! I’m sorry, Diary, I really am.

*This entire book was burned. Nothing remains from it except for a few charred coals lying inside the fireplace in Merlai’s room.*

Arayen: Fashion Frustrations

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 22:46:52 GMT

*This is quite a neat book mostly filled with sketches of various dress designs and patterns. There are however notes added here and there in elegant elaborated handwriting.*

That’s called FASHION, you magnificent dolt! Not all clothes are supposed to be practical and comfortable! Some are designed to make you stand out from the crowd, to make you look ELEGANT.

Bah! Why do I even bother? “Merlai” and “elegant” can’t even be put in the same sentence. Just give her a nice expensive dress and watch her spill wine all over it, or trip and rip half the skirt off, or…

She was so much more fun before the ~~brainwa~~ before the incident. What a shame.

Today’s is the day I repaint my nails and rearrange my hair into something new. Kalaith will be helping me. This will be a wonderful evening, I believe.

(( So I caved in and made another journal, for Merlai's bratty cousin Arayen this time. She has finaly began fleshing out into something, so it's time I took her one step firther. >.> ))

Merlai

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:11:03 GMT

I’ve ran into that strange Blood Knight again. He wouldn’t stop fallowing me, didn’t say a WORD, just fallowed me, thinking I didn’t see him there - hiding awkwardly around the corners and flower stands. I lost him though… at least I think I did, or he stopped fallowing on his own.

He’s up to something fishy MOST DEFINITELY. And that letter he sent me was a ruse, he’s just been looking for an easy way to trick me into coming to him. “A different Knighthood Order”, riiiight… I might be stupid, but I’m not THAT stupid to not know that Blood Knights would not suffer any other similar organization in the city.

I wonder where does Arayen get these horrible skimpy dresses? Wearing the newest one she gave me makes me feel like I'm about to pop out of it

I don’t think I’ll ever wear it ~~in publik.~~

Merlai

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 14:55:31 GMT

*This is added the same day as the previous entry but a bit later and definitely in a much neater handwriting.*

Well, false alarm. He’s not after me to investigate the death of lady Veconia. And now that I’m reading the letter in makes me wonder even more as to who he is and what the hell does he want from meeeeeee?

Well, the letter does actually state what he wants from me. But it’s his initial approach that leaves me confused. I mean how exactly was all THAT a ‘necessary test’?

So he opened up with insults, hinting that he could not tell if I was a boy or a girl… I mean I KNOW I’m not the prettiest apple in the bushel, but it’s definitely not THAT hard to tell that I’m a FEMALE.

~~Or… is it?~~

~~Well, in any way I do not need everyone rubbing that into my face every day of my li~~

~~This is the first time someone confused me with a~~

~~I’m sure one COULD tell I’m~~

~~I don’t think~~

I have BREASTS!!! They’re tiny, but they’re THERE!

I’m ALLRIGHT.

He was just provoking me… for some unexplainable reason.

But I digress.

Second thing that has me in puzzle is WHY would he need to act as if he was about to arrest me? That is the WEIRDEST way to recruit someone. Because THAT is what he’s attempting to do, I believe - convince me to join his Order. Which brings me to the last point.

What makes him think I have a choice to. Or… or even want to? It is not like I’m about to betray The Blood Knights *An ink blot sits here* ~~well, technically I already did~~

I’m not about to turn my back on those who

*Another ink blot finalizes this entry. The book was most likely shut closed without drying, again.*

Merlai

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 13:29:45 GMT

*The handwriting is very messy and barely readable. The contents of the page are smeared almost beyond recognition as if the book was shut closed before the ink could dry.*

They know something. Or at least suspect something! I’m terrified! What do I do?

Some Inquisitor approached me today and he demanded I go with him, said he needs me for some sort of investigation. This must be it! They found out! I’m DEAD!

I… did not go with him however, played stupid, said I did not know him and said I wouldn’t go with him and and and there were many people around and I started screaming when he grabbed my hand. And he let go of me and disappeared

For how long though? How long till he comes back again? How long till he has the documents allowing him to arrest me and And I must run. Hide, disappear, vanish from the city…

~~Ojore. Perhaps he could help me?~~ No. no-no-NO! Can’t pull him into this, that’s not what friends would do, can’t endanger him! Must pack my belongings!

Merlai

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 15:09:36 GMT

*Not much is said here. But one could definitely guess that she’s happy beyond imagination. …Judging by all the hearts scribbled around the final big fat word.*

It’s a horse! It’s a HORSE!!! Oh by the Sun-Well! IT’S A HORSE!!!

Merlai

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 19:36:18 GMT

They… they bought it. Just. Like. That. Accepted the Insignia, smiled at me broadly, congratulated and… And that was it? It can’t be THAT easy, can it? …Or…

I don’t know what to think. Or do. I probably should not do anything, or tell or…

I passed it. That is the most important thing.

Uncle was overjoyed.
He HUGGED me and said that he was PROUD of me. That is big. I mean THAT is REALLY BIG!

He also said that he has a present for me. I will receive it first thing tomorrow in the morning. OOOOOOHHHH! What could it beeeee?

Merlai

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 18:26:46 GMT

It wasn’t me. It wasn’t me. It WASN’T me! I didn’t kill her! I did NOT! The wretched did!

I didn’t do a thing! ~~Didn’t do a thing to help her. Just stood there watching them rip her to shrea~~

No-no-nooo! There were too many of them, I could not do anything to help her. I couldn’t

And then if I did help, I would have failed the test. I HAD failed it miserably. But now that she’s dead no one will know. She will not tell the Order what a complete loss of a Blood Knight I am. And I have the Insignia of Passage. Picked it up from from what was left of her. Now I just need to go and present the Insignia to Knight-Lord Bloodvalor, as if SHE has given it to me. As she was supposed to if I’d pass the test successfully. ~~But I need to wash it first.~~ Gosh, I washed it so many times already! I’m just paranoid. There is no blood on it anymore! I’m just paranoid!

I need a bath. I want to scrub myself until my skin comes off.

I did not kill her! I did not! I did NOT

Merlai: Nice Demons, Bad Demons

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 03:39:22 GMT

Ara is progressing in her training rather nicely. Which is not very good. It is not very good considering that there are demons. Lots of demons. And she insists on bringing them all home. But if most of them are relatively sufferable, there’s one in particular that just gives me creeps and shivers. Kalaith – Ara’s Succubus. She’s just … … Tricky?

I don’t even know how to explain it, but something’s just very wrong about her. Something’s very wrong about the way her and Ara act like the bestest friends ever.

I mean it’s a demon! You are NOT supposed to befriend demons or more-so trust them. Especially a Succubus. Isn’t it a well known fact that Succubae are very talented at manipulating people? She’s way too sweet, waaay too friendly and charming. Fake. Dishonest.

Even Krag is more honorable in my opinion. (Gosh an honorable demon, did I really say that?) But at least he is honest. He doesn’t like this place. He doesn’t like any of us. He’s just doing what he must, WHILE he must. And if he ever breaks free… Well, that’s exactly what keeps everyone so cautious and concentrated when around him.

Then there’s Dagnip, but he’s an Imp fair and square – rude, disrespectful and destructive. He’s always up for mischief if you are not paying attention – HORRIBLE mischief, mischief that involves blowing furniture and cats up with huge sizzling fire bolts, which, in the end, tends to set the rest of the house on fire too.

And there’s that Felhunter (the huge tongue-breaking name of which I can never remember). That thing’s like a dog. Big STUPID and ANGRY dog, that is. We see the least of it since it’s so agonizingly hard to control and restrain.

Kalaith however, she somehow makes everyone so relaxed and oblivious. She makes everyone drop thir guard. Even me, sometimes. And THAT is what I find so very disturbing and alarming.

Talking to Arayen is of no use. She won’t even listen. She openly laughs at my concerns and calls me an ignorant fool. I bet. I’m sure Kalaith has already brainwashed her a hundred times over.

Perhaps I should talk to Uncle instead?

Merlai

Wed, 07 May 2008 16:20:51 GMT

It is just like Mana – feels so wrong yet so good at the same time. I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad for having to leave when I did. Uncle said that things that feel very good are BAD for me. And, what sir Ojore was doing felt ooooh sooooo goooood! Sir Ojore, however, says that ‘this’ in particular is not bad for me, that he wouldn’t do anything that would be bad for me. I’m not sure whom to believe. Why would Uncle lie to me? Is sir Ojore really all that trustworthy?

I need time to think. ~~I am not sure I should meet with sir Ojore again~~… ~~for NOW at least. I want to. But I’m not sure if I~~ ~~should~~ I need some time.

Merlai

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 13:25:20 GMT

He will show me! He said he will show me what a Mating Season is! And I thought I’d just have to give up the hope of ever finding out. But Sir Ojore will show me! He said I can trust him, and I will, I know I can. Trolls are trustworthy.

He kept on touching me. But not like the other people usually do. He touched me differently. It felt ~~odd~~ ~~funny~~ ~~stran~~ no well, actually yes - strange, inappropriate even.

His touches made my cheeks burn and not just cheeks. I wanted to curl up and hide, yet at the same time I couldn’t make myself push him away. I tried to, but I couldn’t.
I think I didn’t really want him to stop doing that.

*Added much later.*

I can’t sleep. My stomach is turning and acting up as if something’s about to happen. I can’t tell if it’s something bad or good though. I keep on seeing his face, the way he smiled at me. I keep on remembering the way he touched me. My ears. Those felt the funniest. As if… as if light electricity shot through them and went through my entire body. Yet when ~I~ touch them nothing happens.

What is happening to me? Why is this happening to me, why do I feel so odd?

Why do I want him to touch me again?

Merlai: Strange Dreams

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 19:09:14 GMT

From time to time I keep on having these strange dreams.

The dreams which are so vivid and realistic that after I wake up I can’t tell for sure if it was just a dream or if it was a recollection of something that has ACTUALLY happened a while ago.

It gives me an impression that there was something that I do not remember now, and these dreams give me glimpses, small shreds of a bigger picture. Or…

Or maybe those are just weird dreams. After all how could there be something I don’t remember? I remember it all, starting from my early childhood and up till today…

…or… do I?

No-no, there it all is, the childhood, the fun time before Ara turned into a snobbish unapproachable witch, the fall of Quel’Thalas, the deaths of my paren~ Now THAT’S something I’d gladly forget altogether… Then me living in Uncle’s house, Uncle enrolling me with the Blood Knights… That’s… all of it. Nothing else. I remember it all perfectly.

~~I am not crazy, am I?~~ Creeeepy.

Merlai

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 01:21:08 GMT

I almost ate Sparkly today. Almost. ALMOST.

I probably would if Sir Matojo didn’t show up when he did.

I made a fool of myself AGAIN, this time by getting knotted in the bushes. What made me think I could jump over them just like he did? Trolls are very-VERY strong. He lifted me out of there like I was some kitten or something. Trolls are VEEEERY strong. And warm. ~~And handso~~

Mana Emeralds are DELICIOUS! I wonder if I could get more of them somehow because… Because I hate ‘puling’ from Sparkly.

I hate it when strange people pat me on the head and pinch my cheeks as if I am a little child. I’m a Blood Knight! Blood Knights don’t get pinched on the cheeks.
Sir Matojo said that if I don’t like that I should bite those people. I think I should try.

I was an idiot not to pay more attention to those wounds left from a ghoul! Sir Matojo said I could die. They are infected. And I thought itchy means they are healing up. Duh.

I still can’t cast any spells to save my life.

The mystery of Mating Season remains.

I loooooove strawbery icecream!

Merlai

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 19:16:10 GMT

I received a package from Arayen. She sent me some ‘stylish’ armor.

Yes, yes, I know now that stylish means the majority of your body is exposed, but how in any way is that practical? I don’t want, and I don’t need to look stylish in front of wolves, hyenas and other things that want to eat me.

I am progressing well. The Order is proud of me! I was told so! My trainer himself said so! The Order and the Prince Kael’thas are proud of me!!!

I will do my best to make them proud. Nothing will stop me! I am NOT as hopeless and useless as the Uncle and Arayen think.

I stil need to train with my new weapon. I need to find Vez, he knows for sure how that thing is used. I must make the Blood Knight Order proud, and I will.

~~The gashes on my back are hurting more I think, I need someone to take a look at them~~ Stop being such a sissy over three small scratches! You’re a Blood Knight, Merlai, behave like one!

Merlai

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 20:38:02 GMT

Gaaaah! I thought I’ve lost you! And here you were hiding under my mattress all along!

Well… First of all! The Uncle was not angry with me the past two weeks. And that’s good. Because when he gets angry, Firebolts and all manner of other nasty things start flying. Most often into my head.

I made it past the first two Knighthood tests! And they gave me this very pretty.. umm… spear-like weapon. I’m not really sure how to use it though. I mean I’m getting rather good at whacking things with my sword, but what do I do with thiiiiis? Poke? Or just keep hitting in the same manner as I do with my sword?

Meeeeeebe Mister Matojo will know what to do with it. I umm… bought him on the ~~Bashi~~ ~~Bashural~~ Bashular Auction yesterday! Boo, it sounds like I bought a slave or something, which I didn’t. I just ~~bough~~ HIRED Mister Matojo to help me do some things for one day. And his dance was so cute! ~~I will ask him to dance again I think.~~ Nooo Well, maybe a little. If he feels like it.

Note to self: Ghouls are NOT as clumsy and slow as they appear to be. No point trying to run from them.
~~Maybe I should consult someone about those welts on my back~~ Pfft! I’m a Blood Knight! I should not be whining about a few silly scratches!

Merlai

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 15:23:53 GMT

Maybe the things are not as bad as I thought they were. I met a nice lady named Madiline today. She gave me a very pretty red dress. And it even fits very well. But the thing is – I look so stupid in dresses! The dresses are not made for me and I’m not made for dresses. If I were like my mother ~~or like Arayen~~ ~~Grrr~~ ~~I do NOT want to be like Arayen!~~ maybe I could wear one, but I’m not and I look silly in it.

Moving on.

There are undead in Tranquilien. But they are not the “Scourge” undead. They are ~~Abandoned~~ ~~Forgotten~~ some other kind of undead. They come from the Scourge, but they are not the Scourge anymore.

And unlike the Scourge undead, these undead are here to help us.

They still creep me out. They look almost the same. ~~Looking at them makes me remember~~ I do NOT want to remember!!!

One of them was fallowing me around the whole evening. He made me paranoid. He made me scream. I didn’t want to be that rude, but I didn’t want to snap either.

He almost made me remember.

I made a complete fool of myself in front of a dashing Blood Knight lord.

Discovery of the Day: Taurens CAN talk!

Merlai

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 19:15:39 GMT

Punched Samba today. But then he made such a sad and confused face that I wanted to hug him. I shouldn’t have punched him. He ran off and hid in the inn. I think I hurt him, I gotta apologize.

((this one's posted a bit late))